Don’t put a cell phone under the tree for your child without a clear-cut plan of action in the works.

Surprise! Your fifth grader wants a cell phone! But unlike getting the keys to the car when she turns 16, getting a cell phone in hand at age 11 is getting immediate, un-parented freedom ... that is, unless you do the right thing and set up the parameters properly. But parents were caught off guard when cell phone popularity surged, and parents everywhere today struggle to keep up with their kids’ love of and agility with technology. Don’t let them outsmart you! While last year’s most-requested Christmas item was the Apple iPad (and the iPad2 will be high on the list this year), now children everywhere want the new iPhone 4S (fat chance, right?). But if you’re thinking about any microchip-laden presents for your child, do your homework first. There are four critical questions you should be able to answer before giving Jenny her heart’s desire, and then a slew of guidelines set forth by Common Sense Media, the nation’s leading independent non-profit advocate for kids. First, the four questions to ask yourself:

1) What can the device do?

2) What are the risks of using and misusing it?

3) Is your child old enough to understand the risks?

4) Are you comfortable discussing the risks with your child?  

The first question can be answered best by talking to other parents who have bought the same device and by doing online research. The focus should be on understanding the types of information that can be created by the device (photos, videos, texts, programs, etc.) and how that information can be communicated to others.

In most cases, the answer to the second question will be one of the following: cyberbullying, cyberharassment or sexting (which in Tennessee falls under the jurisdiction of child pornography laws). You can’t effectively discuss these risks with your child unless you understand them yourself.

Like many parents, you may be looking for a simple answer to the third question — when is my child mature enough? — but there really isn’t one. Each child matures at a different rate, and you will need to carefully gauge whether your child is capable of understanding what he’s doing with a phone. The bottom line is that he needs to be mature enough to understand and respect the consequences of violating your policy and his school’s (or worse, state or federal law), and also mature enough not to toss the phone in the wash with his dirty jeans (although this will probably happen anyway!).

In many ways, the answer to the fourth question is the most important. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing cyberbullying or sexting with your child, then it’s unfair to give him a gadget that makes it possible to do either.

You put a lot of time, money and effort into keeping your children safe and healthy. From car seats, to bike helmets, to swimming lessons and driver education courses, you do your best to ensure that your kids don’t get injured as they mature to adulthood. You need to do the same with the cell phone she so eagerly desires.

Frederick Lane has written six books, including most recently,
Cybertraps for the Young (NTI Upstream; $14.99)

Cell Phone Tips 

Common Sense Media, the nation’s leading independent non-profit advocate for kids, says once a child is old enough to go places on his own (like walk home from school alone), he’s old enough for a cell phone. Here is its guidelines for usage:

Tips for elementary school kids 

• Ask yourself: Does he really need a phone? If you decide that he does, ask yourself what kind of phone he needs. For very young children, there are phones that you can program with just a few important phone numbers. For older elementary school kids, you might want to choose a phone that allows for calls but not texting or instant messaging (IM).

• Make sure young kids understand the rules. If your kids have phones, make sure you have programmed everyone’s numbers into the phones so that the phones display the names of who is calling. Tell your kids not to answer calls from numbers they don’t know. Make rules for time spent talking, what phones are used for and when the phones should be off. You may want to check the time of calls to make sure they are made within your established boundaries.

Tips for preteens 

• Make sure you have the right plan for calls or texts. Phone plans range in minutes and texts allowed. If you allow your preteens to text, get a plan with unlimited texting or you’ll face huge bills.

• Explain that cell phones are expensive and that “extras” cost money. You may be billed for ring tones, sports updates or Web access.

• Work out guidelines for use with your kids. No phones in class, phones turned off at night and no phones at the dinner table are common ones.

• Make sure your kids are using phones appropriately. That means no rude or sexy texts, no embarrassing photos or videos. Monitoring messages sent and received is not a terrible idea (although your children will probably think it is).

• Talk about cyberbullying. Tell your kids to come to you if anything like that happens.

• Tell your children that sexual talk of any kind is not allowed. Kids often jokingly use sexual language and sexually aggressive speech. Yet, on a cell phone, a message can be instantly forwarded out of context to anyone, and kids can get into all kinds of trouble.

• Establish real consequences for violations of your rules. Like taking away the phones for a week or longer.

Tips for teens 

• No texting or talking while driving. Never. Distracted driving is how kids get into traffic accidents — it’s the number one killer of teens. Texting while driving is illegal in Tennessee.

• Make sure they pick up your call. Many teens treat incoming calls from Mom and Dad as a nuisance. As long as you are paying the bills, make a rule: They have to answer when you call — unless they’re behind the wheel.

• Have them review each month’s bill. Let them see precisely how many minutes they are spending on the phone or texting.

• Make sure you anticipate increased phone use. By the time your children get to high school, the phone is ringing all the time. Make sure their phone plan allows for this extra time, and establish limits so they get a break from being “always on.”

• Draw boundaries. No phones at the dinner table. In the car. In a restaurant. Remind your teens that they have only a couple of years left at home to have annoying conversations with you face to face!

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